What to Do With Anger Before You Act on It

The reply is already typed. It is accurate, it is cutting, and the finger is over the send button. In the moment, anger tends to present itself as urgent: something has to be said, and it has to be said now.

A day later the feeling has usually changed shape. The message, if it was sent, has not. That difference in how long each one lasts is a large part of what the Tao Te Ching has to say about anger.

Chapter 23: Storms Do Not Last

Chapter 23 opens with a short instruction: "Moderate your speech, and preserve yourself." It follows with an observation from weather: "A hurricane will not outlast the morning, a heavy rain will not outlast the day" (chapter 23, Walter Gorn Old, 1904).

Anger often has that shape. It rises quickly, peaks, and falls, even when the situation that caused it has not changed. What gets said or done at the peak, though, can last much longer than the storm — in a relationship, a workplace, or a written record.

The chapter does not say the storm is wrong to happen. It points out that the storm is temporary and that speech made during it is not.

What the Research Suggests About Venting

A common idea holds that anger builds up like pressure and needs to be let out — by shouting, hitting a pillow, or going for a hard run. Researchers at Ohio State University reviewed 154 studies on anger management, in a paper published in Clinical Psychology Review, and found little evidence that venting reduces anger. In some cases it appeared to increase it.

What did seem to help were activities that lower physical arousal: slow breathing, relaxation, or simply taking a pause. The authors noted that more research is needed, so this is best read as a direction rather than a settled answer. Still, it fits the chapter: letting the storm pass may do more than trying to discharge it.

Chapter 68: Skill Without Wrath

"He who excels as a warrior is not warlike. He who excels as a fighter is not wrathful" (chapter 68, Paul Carus, 1898).

This does not have to mean that a skilled person never feels anger. One way to read it is that skill shows in who is choosing the action. A fighter who is ruled by anger can become predictable and careless. A fighter who feels anger but is not steered by it can still see clearly.

In ordinary life, that might mean treating anger as information rather than as instruction. It can be a reliable sign that something matters, or that a line has been crossed. It is often a less reliable guide to what should be done about it.

From the Tao

A hurricane will not outlast the morning, a heavy rain will not outlast the day. — Tao Te Ching, chapter 23 (Walter Gorn Old, 1904)

Chapter 63: Deal With It While It Is Small

"Contemplate a difficulty when it is easy. Manage a great thing when it is small" (chapter 63, Paul Carus, 1898).

A good deal of anger is the large version of something that was once small: an irritation that was not mentioned, then mentioned again silently, then stored. By the time it comes out, it can carry the weight of the earlier occasions, and the response can seem out of proportion to the person receiving it.

Saying the small thing early and plainly, while it is still easy to say calmly, can keep it from becoming the large thing later.

Not Suppression

None of this asks for anger to be swallowed or denied. Some anger responds to real wrongs, and the wrong still needs addressing after the storm has passed. The question the chapters raise is one of timing and form: whether the response comes from the peak of the feeling, or from the clearer view that tends to follow it.

If anger is frequent, intense, or leading to harm, talking with a qualified professional can help. A contemplative reading is not a substitute for that.

A Small Thing to Try

The next time anger arrives with a message attached — something to send, say or do — write the message down but hold it. Take a few slow breaths and wait at least until the strongest part of the feeling has passed, or until the next morning if nothing requires an answer sooner.

Then read the message again and write the one sentence in it that still needs saying. Notice how much of the original is left.